I've been toying with this idea of trust lately. The word alone brings up a lot of feeling. For a lot of people, it comes with fear and anxiety. TRUSTING is never easy. The thought of it is scary. It makes you vulnerable...which is exactly what you need.
Vulnerability means space.
It's like a feeling of "Ok, here I am...do what you want with me." It's a recognition that something is out of your control.
But there's something that I've been noticing more and more on a deeper level than just understanding. I FEEL it.
There is no control.
Everything I do seems to be accompanied by a feeling of vulnerability lately...a recognition that whatever happens is out of my control.
I put forth effort, and let go of the rest. TRUST the rest.
It feels like jumping off of something really high. The second you jump off, you're trusting something will catch you. You're becoming vulnerable. And if you think about it, it's during these times that you feel most alive.
The jump is the effort. The fall is the trust.
There is something about letting go of the idea that you have control, surrendering to the fact that you don't, and trusting in what the Universe has in store for you that makes you feel free. You feel more at-ease.
It happens in everyday life. The moment you get in the elevator or get in your car, you're trusting something. The moment you follow your gut and quit you job or walk in a classroom to take a test, you're trusting. You're allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to be open.
You do what you do, and trust the rest.
Because really, you have NO IDEA about what's going to happen.
Under NO circumstances.
So just jump.
Because you never really know what can happen.
That's all it takes.
And through that I have never felt more nervous, yet excited, about my LIFE.
I've been completely disengaged from school so far, and today, I decided today would be the start of getting my shit together.
So I was sitting in astronomy, looking up a camera I want since my Nikon D40 got stolen out of my dorm room...yeah, bummer...and then I realized I was so not getting my shit together.
Then I got a text from my friend...
"It starts today! lol"
(she has a problem with excessively using "lol's" but then again, so do I. Along with the rest of the world because if we don't use an "lol," a text message might be taken too seriously because let's face it...do you really ever "laugh out loud?" Isn't that what "hahaha" is for? THAT'S how ridiculous we've become with technology. But I digress).
She knows about my plans to get my shit together. (plans, HA!...like those even exist)
Anyway, that got me thinking about the word "starts." Do we really ever start anything? Or are we just shifting forms?
It feels like I'm shifting. Not starting. And shifting in a BIG way.
How convenient that we were talking about energy and particles when I tuned into my class.
I realized that you never start anything, and you never end anything, because energy is what you are. And it's never born and it never dies.
The energy of Who You Are shifts form moment to moment. You just have to follow it.
The energy you put into something is the energy you get out.
Because you're nothing but a bunch of particles, reacting to the particles around you. Everything is just bouncing off everything else. Because it's all the same stuff. And it never stops.
It's an ever-changing process of moving and shifting and bouncing.
Emotions are funny things. Funny, stupid, annoying, exciting, beautiful THINGS.
Things that have been attacking me ferociously lately.
I've never been the type to think anything of feelings, but that seems to be my main focus lately. FEELING. And it makes so much sense. Because it's not just feeling emotions, it's feeling the Universe.
It's not even in the way of putting labels to it, it's more of like feeling the FEELING, whatever it may be is besides the point because that doesn't matter anyway.
It's like trying to describe what it feels like if someone pokes you...it doesn't hurt, it doesn't sting, it doesn't feel pleasurable, it's just there. And that's that. You feel it, notice it, and move on. Sometimes it's a really big poke and it takes you longer to move on, but nevertheless the process is just the same.
Noticing this within myself has been interesting because I find the more I notice and the more I FEEL, the CLEARER I become. Clearer in every part of my life. They become guides, rather than a "problem" because they turn into feelings that go beyond just my own human experience.
I've learned to EMBRACE these guides, because they Know better than my brain does. My brain doesn't Know anything quite frankly, it just thinks it does. It's been kicked out of the process actually. It's just become a dance between Feeling and the Universe. It's like these little feelings are telling a story. Every feeling takes me to a new word, and then that word eventually makes a new sentence, and then that sentence eventually leads me to turn the page.
So I'm sitting here...in my friend's fancy honors college at our university...studying. Well, kind of. I've been at it for the past three hours so I figured I would give myself a break. She just went to run on the treadmill to burn off some energy she had sitting around.
But anyway, as I'm feeding all of this information into my brain, I can't help but question what it's for. Why do I need to know that 1 watt=1 joule/s? Why do I need that for my life? What's all this information going to do for me?
Does it even matter? No.
Of course it doesn't. Nothing matters.
You just do what you do. And that's that.
No questions asked. Right now I have to learn about Light and Matter.
And that's all that exists in this moment. Right now...
THIS IS MY LIFE.
I forget that sometimes. And then I feel agitated because I'm resisting what I have to do...resisting MY LIFE. No matter how much I question what's happening NOW, it doesn't change the fact that it's happening NOW. The WHY questions only make my head spin. It doesn't matter why. It just matters that you DO. And while you DO, you BE. You BE with what you're DOing. And then all of a sudden, Light and Matter is just Light and Matter. Not Light and Matter with a side of why the fuck did I sign up for this class.
I have this feeling inside of me. The feeling that my insides are screaming. Not in an uncomfortable way...it's like my insides took a break from work and stretched. Do you know how that feels? When you've been sitting for a really long time, ignoring your body, and then you stand up and stretch your arms WAY high and you feel like you grew 5 inches taller and there's all this tingling up and down your body because your body finally gets to feel ALIVE?
Yeah, that's what my insides are feeling. ALIVE. So ALIVE, that putting it in lower case doesn't feel ALIVE enough.
I feel like they're awake, ready for anything. It's literally a feeling, FEELING ALIVE.
Everyone has this feeling within them. It lies dormant inside of so many people for way too long. It gets hidden by the routine of our day and our lack of attention to Who We really Are. That's all it takes. ATTENTION.
Once you've tapped into this feeling, there's no going back. It's always there, even when it seems like it's not. All you have to do is stretch. Stretch into Freedom.
I live in a world where the sun never sets, the make up never smears, and the heels never break. I live in a world that's flawless...from the outside. Everyone is evenly tanned year round and never a root to show on the freshly blonded hair. To outsiders, we have it made. How could we not? We're in COLLEGE.
But who are we really?
We're just a bunch of kids...
trying to FIGURE. IT. OUT.
And the funny thing?
There is NOTHING to Figure OUT.
There's all this struggle. All this chaos around college, around life.
We're all trying to BE SOMETHING.
But really, we already are Something. Some of us just don't know it yet. And when you finally Know is beyond your control.
No one around here knows what they're doing, and if they say they do, they're probably lying either to themselves or others...or both. We're all trying to tap into that something. That little feeling that you get when you KNOW this is what you should be doing. We're all trying to be something greater than we are now. We're all learning and failing. We're all just getting by.
And for what?
We're in this for the sake of being in it. The fighting life won't matter in the end because at the end of the road you have no idea how you got there, you just know you did.
So why fight?
The struggle that comes along with College, or Life, is something you create. Life will happen the way it's going to happen, no matter what your brain has to say about it.
So just sit back and LIVE.
And Live Like You Mean It.
I walk around this campus of perfection everyday of my life, and I never fail to see kids getting over looked. We pass by each other like we're strangers, but whether you like it or not, we're all EXACTLY THE SAME. No one is better than you, and you are better than no one.
We're all HUMAN!
Humans in College, humans on Earth.
How easily we forget.
I see people who have DRIVE. I see kids doing REMARKABLE things. There is an undeniable FIRE in each of us.
We're all full of Energy and Life, and we're not afraid to show it. And if you are afraid, try something new.
Try being FEARLESS.
Try being FREE.
And that's that.
Who You Are.
We're all in this together. Not just College, but LIFE.
I've been thinking about making a blog for a while--a long while. But I never did, until NOW. It was the kind of thought that just likes to sit...and sit...and sit...until it's ready to STAND. You know those kind? I have those thoughts a lot.
I have a lot of IDEAS. Ideas without action. I'm finding out that you can't decide when to put your ideas into action. You can't decide because they're not YOURS.
Ideas are like fruits. They tell you when they're ready. If you eat fruits too early, they taste weird and you make funny faces because they're sour and they don't sit well in your belly and it just feels all kinds of awkward. And just because you THINK the fruit is ready does not change the fact that it's NOT. You can feel all kinds of awkward with your premature fruit but it doesn't change the fact that it's premature. Same thing with ideas. If you attack them too early because YOU think THEY are ready, it will feel weird and you'll make funny faces because there's so much fighting and struggle and it won't sit well with your belly and you'll just feel all kinds of awkward. The ideas themselves organically flow out of you and into action--when they're ready.
YOU have nothing to do with the process. Trees let their fruits BE until they're ready to be set free. (apparently I'm talking about apples or oranges or something, which doesn't surprise me since they're my favorite). Let it flow and let it go. I'm starting to get that.